Hurt
by Leijona
Summary: Set in the early days of S5. Two people, who got disapointed by life, take comfort in one another. NP friendship with a Haley interruption. One shot. Complete.


_**Disclaimer:** nothing is mine. Not One Tree Hill, not the song Hurt. Nothing. And that's final.  
**  
AN:** I know, I should be re-writing my other fic, but I needed a break. When I heard the song 'Hurt' from Johnny Cash, an idea for a story popped into my head straight away. Of course it's about Nathan and Peyton (because that little sidetrack fic about Nathan and Brooke didn't work out that well after all..). The story is set in the early days of S5. Only with some minor changes, but you'll find out what I'm talking about as you go along :) Please let me know what you think!_

_**Summary:** Set in the early days of S5. Two people, who have been disappointed by life, take comfort in one another. Nathan and Peyton friendship, with a Haley interruption. _

_Enjoy!_

* * *

_I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything_

My name is Nathan Scott and I'm a husband, a father, a brother and a friend. But most of all I'm lucky.

You know what, screw that.

My name is Nathan Scott and I'm an alcoholic and I'm none of the above. I'm not the man I used to be. Not anymore. The man I once was vanished when that punk threw me through the window and a piece of glass dug into my spine. And yes, you could say that it was my own fault. That I should have walked away, that I should have taken the high road. But I didn't. And now I'm paying the price for that.

I've been in this fucking wheelchair for four months now. The doctors say that I should be back on my feet in a couple of weeks, but what do they know, right? They're not the ones who saw their dreams shatter overnight. They're not the ones who need help with everything. And they're not the ones who have to live in this nightmare every single day.

See, that would be me.

It's killing me. I've tried being positive about all this. Tried thinking about how everything in life has a meaning. But somehow, I just can't find the reason for this. Maybe we were too happy. Maybe my dreams were about to come true and maybe feeling like I was one top of the world that day just wasn't enough. Maybe life felt it needed to let me know that I wouldn't have it all. So now I have a wife who thinks I should stop whining and get my act together, a son who loves his uncle more than his own father and friends I haven't spoken to for god knows how long.

Oh yeah, I have a drinking problem too.

But who wouldn't? It numbs the pain. The pain I feel in my back and legs, but also the pain I feel in my heart. It blocks out all the feelings I have and right now, that's the best thing that could happen to me. Because feelings, man, they really get the best of me sometimes. It's easier to block them out and feel sorry for myself, than it is to worry about how my behaviour makes everyone else feel.

Because if you think I care about that, you're wrong.

I know I'm hurting the people around me, but I don't care. They have no idea what it's like when you're nothing. When all your dreams and hopes have disappeared and when you're a lesser man than you thought you would be. Until they know what that feels like, they have no right to judge me.

She knows, though. Peyton.

She's the only one I talk to. She's the only who doesn't judge me. Hell, sometimes we even share a drink. She knows what it's like when your dreams turn into nightmares one day. She doesn't lecture me. She just sits with me when Haley is at work and Jamie is with one of his aunts or uncles. We don't speak much, Peyton and I. Usually we don't say a word.

We just spend the day together. I drink and stare into nowhere, she occasionally puts her hand on my arm and looks at me with such compassion and understanding in her eyes that I almost fall in love with her again right there and then.

She's a great friend, Peyton Sawyer.

If only more people could realise that. If only I could have realised that the last time she visited me. It was Thursday afternoon when she last came over. Going back, I should have realised there was something wrong. She never comes over on Thursdays. It's the day Haley comes back from work early and Peyton doesn't want Haley to know about our little dates. Neither do I. I'm pretty sure we would've gotten a lecture from Haley if she found out. About how pathetic we are when we hang around all day, doing nothing. Not that it matters now, though, because I don't think Peyton will come around anymore.

She came in that day and grabbed a glass of whiskey right away. Again, I should have realised something was wrong. She usually only takes one or two sips from me, but never drinks a whole glass. But I was so caught up in feeling sorry for myself, that I didn't think much of it. She downed the whiskey, turned towards me, cleared her throat and said she wanted to talk to me. I brushed her off. I told her I didn't feel like talking and that she was wasting her time.

I've said that to her before. I've been in that place before, where I felt like I was the only person on the entire planet with real problems. Usually she would laugh, shake her head and tell me to get a hold of myself. Then, she would bring me another drink. Not this day, though. She did shake her head, and told me to get a hold of myself, but she didn't laugh, nor did she bring me another drink. She just got up and walked away. She turned around when she reached the front door and looked at me. This time I didn't see any compassion or understanding in her eyes.

All I saw was hurt and disappointment.

She looked at me and sighed. I lowered my head, still feeling sorry for myself and not feeling the need to apologise for my behaviour. I heard her walk away, closing the door behind her when she stepped outside. And right then and there I knew I had been a terrible friend.

I knew that she wouldn't come back and that I was to blame. And even though I still care about her, I don't think that's enough.

_What have I become  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know goes away  
In the end  
And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_

--

_I wear this crown of thorns  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
Beneath the stains of time  
The feelings disappear  
You are someone else  
I am still right here_

My name is Peyton Sawyer and I've screwed up in life.

I know, I know, this is not the introduction you expected, but whatever. See if I care.

Because, I don't. Care. Not anymore. Not about anyone else at least. I still care about myself, because if I don't, who will? But other people? No. Been there, done that. The first people I cared about were, of course, my Mom and Dad. I can't say I still care about them anymore. My Mom died when I was eight and after eighteen years it turned out she wasn't really my Mom after all. And my Dad really wasn't my Dad. They had adopted me and had decided to keep it a secret. Until my Birthmother showed up and my Dad had to confess the whole thing. I pretty much stopped caring about him right then and there. Not that I don't love him, or My Mom. But I don't care about them anymore.

That probably doesn't make any sense at all. But again, I don't care. Do you see the pattern starting to form here?

When my Mom died, someone else started to care about me. A little girl, two months older than me, with brown hair and the cutest dimples I've ever seen.

Brooke Davis.

She cared about me and became my best friend. She was my ray of sunshine when times got rough. She was the one who knew everything about me and for ten years, she was the one I cared most about.

Then a boy came along. A boy we both cared about very much. A boy who got into both our hearts and who made us forget about the integrity of our friendship. His name?

Lucas Scott.

When he first came into our lives, I had just broken up with my boyfriend of two years, Nathan Scott and couldn't stand the thought of being in a relationship again. So when Lucas told me he wanted everything with me, I pushed him away. To make a long story short – Lucas got together with Brooke, but there always was this undeniable attraction between me and him. So we went behind Brooke's back. Twice. She forgave us the first time.

The second time, when I told her I still had feelings for Lucas, she slapped me and called me a back-stabbing two faced bitch right before she walked out on me. That was four years ago. I haven't spoken to her since. I still cared about Brooke for a long time, though. But it wasn't enough. She didn't came back. So after a while, I stopped caring about her too.

Lucas came back to me. We started dating in Senior year and I thought we would be together forever. We lasted two years. Because I moved to L.A. and he stayed in Tree Hill. We tried having a long-distance relationship, but it didn't work. He proposed to me in a final attempt to save our relationship, but I told him I wanted to wait. I guess in Lucas's mind wanting to wait is the same as saying 'no', because that's what he told everybody I had said.

When I heard that, I gradually starting caring less and less about Lucas. Until one day I stopped caring completely. The dream I had about spending my life together with Lucas vanished.

There was one person in my life I never stopped caring about though. Someone who knew everything about me, who knew my strengths and my weaknesses.

Nathan Scott.

Yeah, the same Nathan Scott I dated in high school. Funny, isn't it? I guess I will always have a weak spot for that boy, or man, as he is now. He's nothing like Brooke, who always cheered me up, or like Lucas, who told me to always follow my heart. But he's there for me and that's all that matters. Or at least, he was there for me, until last Thursday. Now, I'm not too sure anymore.

He's been in a wheelchair for four months now. He has been, and sometimes still is, in a pretty dark place. Everybody tells him to get it together, that he'll be fine if he just tries a little harder. But I know how it feels to be in that dark place. I was there when my Mom died, when Brooke walked out on me and when Lucas and I broke up. I know that sometimes feeling sorry for yourself is the best remedy. Even if it takes a couple of months.

But it seems like people don't want to give Nathan the time he needs to get better. Which makes him even more rebellious. I don't mind though. If I'm honest, I quite like that side of him.

I never cared too much about the Nathan he turned into when he first got with Haley. The bad boy gone good because of a girl. Haley thought she had changed him, but I knew that deep down inside, Nathan still was and always would be the bad boy he was when he was with me. It was too much fun for him to give that up.

And the real Nathan is starting to surface again. The Nathan who doesn't care about anyone but himself. The Nathan who stays inside all day, drinking, thinking about past times, feeling sorry for himself. I keep him company. I'm there for him every day Haley is at work. Except on Thursdays, because that's the day she comes home early from work. And I don't want her to know about the time we spend together. That's something between me and Nathan.

We don't speak much when we're together. We just hang out, he drinks, I think about my life and sometimes I feel the urge to touch him, to feel his presence. That's when I put my hand on his arm and squeeze it, so he looks at me. When he does, I feel a shiver going down my spine. His blue eyes are so full of emotion and hurt, that it takes my breath away. But still, those eyes find their way into my soul and sometimes they make me wonder if we could be good together.

As a couple, I mean.

But I keep that to myself. And now it doesn't matter anymore, I probably won't see him again for a long time. Because when I wanted to talk to him last Thursday, I wanted to tell him that I got a job offer in New York and I wanted to hear what his thoughts on me taking that job would be. But when I told him I wanted to talk about something, he told me he didn't feel like talking and that I was wasting my time. He has said that before and usually I just laugh and don't take him serious.

But this time was different, because this time I could really use a friend's advice. And because Nathan pretty much is the only friend I have left, it hurt me when he said that. So I walked out on him. I walked out on Nathan because he had just treated me the way he treated everybody. And that bad boy attitude of his, that I loved and respected so much, had gotten the best of me. Ironic, isn't it?

With that, I think I pretty much walked out on our friendship. But I was mad at him and I still am, for not being a better friend. I think he knows that though, and somewhere in my heart I still hope that we can work it out.

But right now, I really don't know if I should still care about Nathan Scott.

_What have I become  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know goes away  
In the end  
And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_

--

_If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way_

Peyton took that job in New York. Of course she did, the offer was too good to refuse. I made sure of that. I still know which strings to pull in the music business when I'm in need of a favour.

Yeah, you guessed it, I was the one who got her that job. The job far away from Tree Hill. Far away from my husband.

I don't know how they thought I wouldn't find out about their little dates. I really think they were too naïve to care about getting caught. But when I came home early one Tuesday, I saw them together when I looked through the window. I always do that before I enter our house, just to see if it's a good or a bad day for Nathan. On a good day he'll be in front of the television, watching tapes of his high school games. On a bad day he'll be passed out on the couch, with a couple of bottles of beer and an empty whiskey glass besides him.

I guess that Tuesday could qualify as a bad day. Because even though he wasn't passed out on the couch, he was drinking. And to make things worse, she was drinking with him, with one hand on his arm and the other hand holding a glass. I watched them for some time, but they didn't spoke. They just sat there without saying a word, being comfortable with the silence between them. It made me jealous. I've checked on them a couple of more times after that and every time I found them in exactly the same setting. It disturbed me somehow, that Nathan would let Peyton in, but not me. Because whenever I sat down next to him, he turned away.

It looked like he cared more about her than about me. So that's why I did it. That's why I made sure she took that job in New York.

Nathan never said anything to me about the times Peyton came around. So when I told him she had taken a job in New York, he shrugged and looked the other way. Until this day, I know it hurt him that she left without telling him. At least, that's what I guess she did. I also know it doesn't matter that she's gone. They're still in touch. I know, because one day I went through Nathan's phone, when he was asleep already and I found the messages sent between him and Peyton.

I went through his history and saw they still call each other on a regular basis, always when I'm at work, the first call made when she just moved to New York. It looks like they talk for hours, but I guess they're just doing what they always did. Taking comfort from each other's presence, with out saying a word, comfortable with the silence between them. Of course, it hurts me. But it's easier for me to keep living in this lie. At least for now. Until I have figured out what I'm going to do about all of this.

Until that day, I just pretend to care about Nathan.

Oh wait, I forgot something, right?

My name is Haley James-Scott and my husband cares more about his ex-girlfriend than he does about me.

**- FIN -**


End file.
